i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
