he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
