I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
