We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
