Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
