i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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