i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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