why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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