please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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