the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
