he looks like a really good dad on facebook
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
