Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize