What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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