I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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