He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
