My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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