this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
