wrigley field is MILF paradise
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
