you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
