I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
