Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
