trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
