Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
