eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
