Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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