come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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