I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
