I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
4 words: hood of his car
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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