he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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