everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
