Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize