Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
