I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
