i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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