i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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