Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
