the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
