he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
