he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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