if you like me you must not know who I am
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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