I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
