Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
