"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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