that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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