she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dick very happy bro
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize