I wanna bring you to show and tell
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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