I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
