Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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