EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
True college students do jello shots in the library
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