Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My first STD was from a foam party
I faked an abortion last night.
You smell like stripper and shame
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
