I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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