At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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