He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
