if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
