Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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