eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
