Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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