what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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