mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
