Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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