I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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