i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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