i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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