mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Found your dick twin last night
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
