i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
