I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
