She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
